Crystal Skull Not the Most Important Thing at Cannes

The premier at Cannes of the film Blindness, which was based on the novel by Jose Saramago, was a more note-worthy event than the latest installment of the Indiana Jones series. [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'The rats and I watched the coverage from Cannes because we wanted to see how they were going to commemorate the Cannes that was interrupted in '68 by demonstrators because France was pretty lively that year, and we were also interested in the premiere of the movie version of Blindness by Jose Saramago, who really is a very engaging and engaged writer, and has after all won the Nobel prize for literature, which means more than a Palme d'Or in my book, but there wasn't much worthwhile news about '68 or Saramago, just a lot of chatter about how the latest Indiana Jones movie premiered at Cannes and would the critics like or not, and all the secrecy around it, and while the rats are probably more afraid of snakes than Indiana Jones is, they think that Cannes is the wrong place to premier what is essentially a B-movie, and I think that Saramago at 85 is far more worthy of veneration as a vintage treasure than Harrison Ford at 65.']

Polar Bears are Endangered and Papa Bear is a Danger

Polar bears are on the endangered species list because polar ice is melting, and humans are threatened by global warming, too, but right-wing pundits like Bill O'Reilly want us to believe there's no way of knowing what's causing climate change or how we can stop it! [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'At the salon I told my stylist Jenna that I wanted a different look, and while she was cutting my hair I mentioned that I have a hundred-gallon aquarium now because I keep rescuing fish, and she was a little put off by that, so I changed the subject and asked if she watches Stephen Colbert, and she said, "I think he’s adorable, but I don’t know why he hates bears so much," and I said, "I thought he was making fun of Bill O'Reilly -- Papa Bear," and she said, "Did you see that old clip of O'Reilly on YouTube screaming abuse at people?" and I said, "He's horrible, and he makes excuses for the war and global warming..." and she had to use the blow-drier for a while and then she said, "I heard that polar bears are going extinct because of global warming," and I said, "That's what Papa Bear should be screaming about," and then I said I liked my new cut, but now I'm not sure it's bold enough, and even the fish seem to think it's a little tame, and though they're not crazy about bears either, they regret the fact that the polar bears are drowning, because they know that rising sea levels are a way bigger threat to anybody without gills than bears are -- or for that matter the liberals Bill O’Reilly hates so much.']

Which is Worse, Golf or Aging Rock Stars?

When David Lee Roth and the Van Halens contributed generously to the Tiger Woods Foundation, I decided to jump at the chance to talk about the negative environmental impact of golf. [Click on the image to see a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'Leda was here because her father was at her place watching golf on TV, and she said, "Golf is the most outrageously boring thing in the world," and I said, "I read that David Lee Roth and the Van Halens gave a lot of money to Tiger Woods' Foundation, and I think aging rock stars are the most boring thing in the world," and Leda said, "Lewis Black should do a Root of All Evil show to decide between golf and aging rock stars," and I said, "I didn't say aging rock stars are more EVIL than golf," and Leda said, "But don't aging rock stars and golf both bore people to death, which is inherently evil?" and I said, "Golf courses use huge amounts of pesticides and pollute ground water and destroy wetlands, whereas aging rock stars just act embarrassing," and Leda said, "My dad loves Van Halen," and I said, "With or without David Lee Roth?" and she said, "This conversation is getting outrageously boring," and she went back to her place to tell her dad why golf sucks, and my rabbit, who likes his greens organic and secretly loves Van Halen, wanted to listen to “Jump,” so we went ahead and did.']

Tom Cruise Should Crusade Against Mountaintop Removal

Oprah went to Tom Cruise's mountaintop home to interview him, and she was awed by the beautiful views. But all mountaintops are awesome, and mountaintop removal is destroying them. [Click on image to see a larger version. The text reads: 'I just saw Oprah interview Tom Cruise at his mountaintop mansion, and she raved about the house and said the views were so beautiful she wanted to cry, and she ended up wishing him, "the peace that this mountain can bring," and I think the interview went well -- definitely better than three years ago when he was jumping on Oprah's couch, which is important for Cruise because people have disliked all his Scientology preaching, like when he criticized the way Brooke Shields dealt with her postpartum depression, but I think there's something else Cruise could consider preaching against since he loves living on a mountaintop so much, and that's mountaintop removal, which is when big coal companies go into the Appalachians and blast the whole tops off mountains and dump the rubble into the streams and valleys below, and my dog and I love hiking, and we hate to think of mountains becoming wastelands, so we think Cruise should crusade against mountaintop removal and then buy a mountaintop in West Virginia so that there would be at least one mountain the coal companies would probably not try to desecrate.']