Fashion Sense Says Goodbye to President Bush

At a screening of the movie Frost/Nixon, Chris Wallace criticized other panel members for comparing Richard Nixon's impeachable offenses to George W. Bush's actions in the war on terror. He said, "Whatever George W. Bush did was after 9/11. . . and in service of trying to protect this country," yet Bush's record is so egregious, Fashion Sense wonders who can really believe this. According to a recently compiled list of Bushisms, on Aug. 5, 2004, at the signing ceremony for a defense spending bill, our soon-to-be ex-President said the following: "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." Truer words were never misspoken. [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'I was out birding on New Years Day, and a hawk flew over to me and was, like, Are you by any chance a vegetarian? and I said that I was, and the hawk was, like, You know I'm getting really tired of chasing after screeching birds and pouncing on terrified rodents, and I'm thinking about making a New Years resolution to go vegetarian, and I said, "That's a nice thought, but I think that, unlike humans, hawks have to be carnivores," and the hawk was, like, Speaking of humans, I hate it that somebody who supports a senseless war is called a hawk, and somebody who opposes it is called a dove; I'm a peace-loving bird, and I said, "I admit I’ve called George W. Bush a hawk plenty of times, and I hope someday he'll be punished for his war crimes," and the hawk was, like, I heard that Chris Wallace went ballistic at a screening of the new Frost/Nixon movie when Ron Howard compared Bush's conduct in the Iraq war to Richard Nixon's crimes, and I said, "Yeah. Wallace said Nixon did what he did for personal gain, and Bush did what he did for the good of the country, but I don't think even Bush believes that. I just read a list of so-called Bushisms, and he best summed up his own term in office when he said: 'Our enemies … never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we,'" and the hawk was, like, How ironic! and then suddenly he was, like, Tasty dove! Gotta go! and a hawk's instincts being what they are, he flew off at lightning speed, so I yelled, "I guess you can't help being a hawk, but what's Bush's excuse?"']

Fashion Sense Says Clean Coal is as Unreal as Santa Claus

There have been some memorable images of Santa Claus this holiday season, including Santa Claus as murderer, but one Santa who tried to bring sanity rather than mayhem was the one who gave coal to the board members of the Tennessee Valley Authority and a message about the terrible consequences of using coal as an energy source. A few days later, a huge spill of toxic slurry into the Tennessee River emphasized the message that there's no such thing as clean coal -- even if it is possible to scrub away the greenhouse gases, the current method of extracting coal destroys whole mountains and coal's byproducts poison our waters. [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'The day after Christmas I was at Virginia's house giving her a leech therapy treatment, and the TV was on so we saw some news about that murderer who dressed as Santa Claus, and before I could say anything about the victims she said, "I'm really getting upset about people who make Santa Claus look bad because I love him, and I worry about his image," and I said, "I agree that he does have an image problem -- he flies all over the world every year giving out loads of consumer crap, and some people say he overworks those poor elves and abuses the reindeer," and she said, "Oh, I hope you don’t believe everything you hear. Poor Santa is a major celebrity, yet anybody who wants to can dress like him and impersonate him," and I said, "Did you hear about the the holding pond that broke recently and dumped millions of gallons of toxic coal slurry into the Tennessee River?" and she said, "What's that have to do with Santa?" and I said, "A few days before that happened, Santa Claus brought lumps of coal to board members of the Tennessee Valley Authority to tell them it’s bad of them to burn so much coal because slurry spills are polluting our water (which is where leeches live, you know), and coal creates huge environmental problems like the destruction of whole mountains when it’s extracted and the emission of greenhouse gases when it’s burned, so I was happy about what Santa did, though he ended up in jail, and then this latest disaster occurred," and she said, “See? That’s what I mean. Anybody can pretend to be Santa and use his good name to call attention to their cause, which ought to be illegal. Besides, I don’t think there’s any such thing as global warming, do you?" and I said, "Yes, Virginia, there is such a thing as global warming. And clean coal is even more of a fantasy than Santa Claus!”']

Fashion Sense Says We Need an Auto Industry that Respects Workers and the Environment

Republican Senators turned down the Big 3 auto bailout, citing excessive labor costs. But the figures used to justify this decision are bogus. The U.S. auto industry has far more serious problems than labor costs, and there are only green solutions. [Click on the above image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'Yesterday I was riding my bike, and I saw Tiffany going into the bank, and I stopped to ask how her designer Christmas cookie business is doing this year, and she said, "Because of the war on Christmas, people aren't ordering a lot of cookies," and I said, "Maybe it's the economy," and she said, "No, there's a war on Christmas! Stephen Colbert had a whole special about it, which was great, though I didn't like the part where Willie Nelson was a wiseman bringing marijuana to the baby Jesus," and I said, "But people are really suffering this holiday season. And as if things aren't bad enough, Congress just told the autoworkers that their jobs aren't worth saving unless they make huge concessions," and she said, "Well, I understand that. I had to go to school for a long time before I started my designer Christmas cookie business, and even so I don't earn $73/hour," and I said, "Neither do the UAW people. That's a bogus figure that factors in all the retiree benefits," and she said, "Well, those UAW workers get way more in health benefits than any cookie designer I know," and I said, "If the U.S. had universal health care, companies wouldn't have such enormous health costs," and she said, "I would think you'd be against bailing out big corporations, especially car companies," and I said, "I don’t even own a car, but if we lose the U.S. auto industry, this country won't make anything any more!" and she said, "As a designer Christmas cookie maker, I resent that!" and I said, "How will people be able to afford upscale items like your designer Christmas cookies if they don't earn decent wages?" and she said, "People have to learn to live within their means! This year I have a generic line of Christmas treats that suit even the most modest and economy-stressed budget," and I said, "Like what?" and she said, "I say, if they can't afford designer cookies, let them eat fruitcake!" and I said, "My gerbil nibbles on everything, but even he won't eat fruitcake," but her cell phone rang right then, and she didn't hear me.']

Fashion Sense Comments on James Bond, Coca-Cola, and Eco-villains

The latest James Bond movie, "Quantum of Solace," features a villain who pretends to be an environmentalist while trying to steal water resources. Ironically, Coca-Cola, which came out with Quantum of Solace Coke Zero to coincide with the movie's release, also pretends to be environmentally responsible while using up other people's water. [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'My younger brother is a huge James Bond fan and he has a big collection of Bond memorabilia, and when he came to see me today he had two black bottles with him, and I said, “What’s in the bottles?” and he said, “Limited Edition Quantum of Solace Coke!” and I said, "I didn't know James Bond drank Coke," and he gave me one of those exasperated looks and said, "He drinks martinis, but this is Coke Zero, and Bond is Zero Zero Seven, get it?" and I said, "Isn't the villain in Quantum of Solace trying to steal Bolivia's water?" and he said, "Yeah, Dominic Greene pretends to be an environmentalist, but he really wants to control the water supply," and I said, "So Dominic Greene is kind of like Coca Cola," and he gave me another exasperated look and said, "In what way?" and I said, "Coca-Cola claims to be very concerned about the environment, but they earn huge profits from soft drinks and bottled water and end up stealing people's drinking water in places like India," and then he said, "Speaking of water, your aquarium is ridiculously huge. If you were a Bond villain, you'd be the guy in The Spy Who Loved Me who wants human civilization to start over again under the ocean," and I know that when my brother is mad at somebody he starts comparing them to Bond villains, so I waited a while and then I said, "Critics are saying that Quantum of Solace is more like a Jason Bourne movie than a Bond movie," and my brother happily spent half an hour telling me why those critics spew total crap, and he finished by saying, "Besides, everybody knows Jason Bourne movies are complete fantasies!"']

Fashion Sense Thinks Michael Vick has Paid a Bigger Price for Animal Cruelty Than Most

On Thanksgiving I thought about how few people ever pay any price at all for their cruelty to animals. Maybe Michael Vick deserves a second chance. (And speaking of animal cruelty, here's a little info about how that Thanksgiving turkey was slaughtered.) [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'My sister and I wanted to avoid the big family get-together at Thanksgiving, so I invited her to my place for a quiet meal, and as soon as she got here she said, "I just heard that Michael Vick might get out of jail early and might not have to serve his full sentence for dogfighting," and I said, "Yeah, but he did lose a lot of money, and he's been in Leavenworth for a while, so maybe he's paid for his crimes against animals," and she said, "I think he should spend a year in prison for every dog he tortured," and I said, "I don't think that would be fair at all! The people who own factory farms torture billions of animals so people can eat cheap meat, and they never spend a day in Leavenworth," and she said, "Those are business practices, not crimes," and I said, "I'm opposed to cruelty to animals, whether it's for fun or profit," and she said, "OK, whatever. How's the goose?" and I said, "He keeps asking, 'If Americans can put a man on the moon, why can't they get everybody to eat tofurky on Thanksgiving?'" and she said, "Oh, god, I forgot that you’re a vegetarian now. Don't tell me we're having tofu turkey for lunch?" and I said, "It's in the oven now. It's delicious," and she said, "Um... well... um... I forgot to tell you I'm going to Grandma's house for dinner, and there'll be ham and pot roast and chicken and turkey and all the trimmings, so I'll just have a cup of coffee and watch you enjoy your lunch," but she kept saying "Ick!" under her breath while I ate, so neither of us enjoyed ourselves very much.']

Fashion Sense Tries to Understand Ted Turner

Ted Turner has been making the rounds lately, promoting his new memoir. Though Turner has done some good deeds, he's still a billionaire and the largest individual landowner in the U.S., with all the problems and complications that implies. [Click on the above image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'As usual, when I was on my way to visit my rescued Premarin mare, I ran into my next-door neighbor, and she said, "Hey, did you see Ted Turner on Sixty Minutes the other night?" and I said, "No, I missed that," and she said, "I assume you like Ted Turner since he used to be married to Jane Fonda and is a big liberal media tycoon and loves the United Nations and has a huge ranch where he lets the buffalo roam," and I said, "I like some things about him, but I'm not a big fan," and she said, "That really surprises me, but then I mostly like him because he gave us Turner Classic Movies, and I love watching those old Westerns. I mean, you love Westerns, right? I mean, you being a horsewoman and all," and I said, "I don't watch most Westerns because they usually treat American Indians pretty offensively and lie about how the West was stolen," and she said, "On Good Morning America I heard Ted say that he wants to earn enough money with his new book and his restaurants to buy back the Atlanta Braves. That shows he appreciates Indians, right?" and I said, "When Turner owned the Atlanta Braves, American Indians were upset that he wouldn't stop using the tomahawk chop, and some don't like the way he raises and slaughters his buffalo," and she looked very annoyed when she said, "Speaking of Westerns, your whole life's philosophy seems to be that there's The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, and you choose to emphasize the ugly -- but, oh, excuse me, I forgot, you don't watch Westerns, do you?" and I said, "Well, I did enjoy Brokeback Mountain," and she just rolled her eyes and walked back into her house.']

Fashion Sense Says There's Work to Be Done

Obama won, and for a while Americans have celebrated the election of our first African-American president. But everywhere we look -- from our economy to our environment -- our country is in a shambles. We have a lot of work ahead of us! [Click on the image to see a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'Tonight we're having a LOVE meeting -- the League of Voting Environmentalists -- and we're supposed to be having a post-election strategy session, and everybody is excited about the fact that Obama won, but nobody wants to get down to business, and as soon as I got here Alissa said, "Did you see that dress Michelle was wearing on election night? What was up with that?" and Melissa, who is very big on Michelle, said, "I thought it was very cool," and Clarissa said, "I wonder when we'll find out if Al Franken won his Senate seat?" and Larissa said, "I don't know why he wouldn't win. He's good enough and he's smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like him... Remember when he was Stewart Smalley on Saturday Night Live?" and everybody laughed and talked about Tina Fey doing Palin on SNL for a while, and then Clarissa said, "Do you think Palin's wardrobe really looked like it was worth $150,000?" and we critiqued Palin's shoes for a while, and finally I said, "Hey, you guys are starting to sound like the commentators on Entertainment Tonight," and Alissa said, "Well, Barack is the biggest celebrity in the world right now," and I said, "But he's also the president-elect, and our country is a mess, and we all have a lot of work to do," and Larissa said, "Speaking of commentators, I really don't think Leno should have made fun of Wolf Blitzer’s holograms," and I said, "I'm going to take my dog out for a piddle," and Clarissa said, "Would you bring in the copy of People Magazine from my car?" and Alissa told me to ask my dog what kind of puppy the Obamas should get for their kids, and I said, "You know, I'm not sure I enjoy being in LOVE any more," and Clarissa said, "That's exactly what Britney Spears always says, but she never means it."']