Red Hot Chili Peppers Save Water

PETA just named its sexiest vegetarians for 2008 (Leona Lewis and Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers), but all vegetarians are pretty special because they use less of many valuable resources, including that most precious one of all -- water. [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text says: 'Kiki invited me to lunch so I could see her new house and pool, and I said, "Warning: I'm a vegetarian now," and she said, "I thought only stunted and oddball people like Dennis Kucinich are vegetarians," and I said, "PETA just named its sexiest vegetarians of the year, and Anthony Kiedis was one of them," and what could Kiki say, because she was wearing a Red Hot Chili Peppers tee-shirt and listening to them on her iPod even as we spoke, and at her house she gave me a nice salad, and when we went out to the pool she said, "I was wondering if you would take this goose off my hands," and I said, "But I thought he was an emergency organic meal," and she said, "I recently ate some goose meat, and it was horrible, and also he keeps swimming in the pool which really drives up the cleaning bills," and I said, "Speaking of wasting water, I'm glad I'm a vegetarian because it's one of the best things you can do to conserve water," and Kiki said, "I just went on the Atkins diet again so I asolutely have to have meat -- I mean, when it's a question of survival, you have to ignore the side issues, right?" and I would have argued about what constitutes a question of survival, but just then Kiki ran into the house to get me all the goose's accessories so I could take him home today.']

Grand Theft Ethanol

The new version of Grand Theft Auto gets attention because of its grim portrayal of city life, but some cities are experiencing a resurgence as people move back to cut fuel costs; anything that helps keep us from using food for fuel is to be applauded. [Click on the image to see a larger version of this cartoon. The text says: 'I live in the city, and when people see me on my bike, sometimes they ask me if my car was stolen, and I don't like to say I don't have a car because people think that's weird, so I change the subject and ask them if they play Grand Theft Auto, which I myself don't, but I do like that song in the commercials -- the one about living in the city and being out of control -- although that game does make the city seem pretty bleak, but I read that lots of people are starting to abandon the suburbs and move back into the cities because gas keeps going up and up, and this city is actually pretty safe, but when I park I take one wheel off my bike and carry it around with me so nobody can commit Not-So-Grand Theft Bicycle, and that's a small price to pay to be energy-efficient, and what's really out of control is that people are so addicted to cars they're willing to turn food, like corn, which both my gerbil and I love, into ethanol, because I think that using food for fuel is another kind of grand theft in this very hungry world.']

Leech Therapy vs. Celebrity Babies

The media are so excited about the upcoming birth of Brangelina's twins that Entertainment Tonight reported it had already happened (which it hasn't), and Jolie and Pitt will probably get $10 million for the first pictures of their babies. Considering the resources these star children will use, their upcoming births aren't really so exciting after all. [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'I decided not to go see Sex and the City because it would only make me feel bad -- not only can I not afford all those designer clothes but lately my life might as well be called Sexless and the City; I mean between my leech therapy business and the fact that I'm a fruitarian and president of the ferret rescue network, there are very few men who would even consider coming to my place let alone being naked in it, but on the other hand I don't really mind not having to worry about getting pregnant, because I don’t think I'll ever be ready for kids, even though having babies is very much in vogue; I mean Brangelina's unborn twins are the subject of so much fascinated speculation that big magazines are offering $10 million for the first pictures of the kids, which will supposedly go to charity, but talk about leeches, those twin babies are going to suck up so much of the world's limited resources it's amazing, and they’ll undoubtedly grow up to live a far more consumer-oriented lifestyle than the women in Sex and the City, so I guess I’m actually proud of my environmentally friendly lifestyle, but it would be nice if leeches were better company.']

Sharon Stone's Comments Were Thoughtless, but You Should Get Instant Karma

Sharon Stone's recent comments about the Chinese earthquake disaster and bad karma brought angry responses from the Chinese. There are better ways to react to outrages against human rights than blaming the victims of a natural disaster (e.g., Amnesty International's Instant Karma CD). [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'When I brought home a shelter cat, my first cat was, like, how can you do this to me; and I said, think of all the good karma this will bring us; and my cat was, like, you shouldn’t talk about karma in such a casual way – look what happened to Sharon Stone; and I said Sharon Stone thoughtlessly commented that China’s earthquake disaster might be bad karma from their hideous treatment of Tibet, which is blaming the victim, and that’s not what I’m doing; and my cat was, like, still we have to be careful not to use ancient spiritual concepts in an over-simplistic way, and besides this stupid cat wouldn’t have been in a shelter if she wasn’t so ugly and unloveable; and I said, she’s here to stay; but I bought my cat a copy of Instant Karma which is the album for Darfur that Amnesty International brought out because Yoko Ono gave all the rights to John’s songs to them; and I said generosity is a far better reaction to a disaster than blaming the victim; and my cat was, like, you’re blaming me for fighting with this interloper, when I’m the victim; but all I was saying was give peace a chance.']

Crystal Skull Not the Most Important Thing at Cannes

The premier at Cannes of the film Blindness, which was based on the novel by Jose Saramago, was a more note-worthy event than the latest installment of the Indiana Jones series. [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'The rats and I watched the coverage from Cannes because we wanted to see how they were going to commemorate the Cannes that was interrupted in '68 by demonstrators because France was pretty lively that year, and we were also interested in the premiere of the movie version of Blindness by Jose Saramago, who really is a very engaging and engaged writer, and has after all won the Nobel prize for literature, which means more than a Palme d'Or in my book, but there wasn't much worthwhile news about '68 or Saramago, just a lot of chatter about how the latest Indiana Jones movie premiered at Cannes and would the critics like or not, and all the secrecy around it, and while the rats are probably more afraid of snakes than Indiana Jones is, they think that Cannes is the wrong place to premier what is essentially a B-movie, and I think that Saramago at 85 is far more worthy of veneration as a vintage treasure than Harrison Ford at 65.']

Polar Bears are Endangered and Papa Bear is a Danger

Polar bears are on the endangered species list because polar ice is melting, and humans are threatened by global warming, too, but right-wing pundits like Bill O'Reilly want us to believe there's no way of knowing what's causing climate change or how we can stop it! [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'At the salon I told my stylist Jenna that I wanted a different look, and while she was cutting my hair I mentioned that I have a hundred-gallon aquarium now because I keep rescuing fish, and she was a little put off by that, so I changed the subject and asked if she watches Stephen Colbert, and she said, "I think he’s adorable, but I don’t know why he hates bears so much," and I said, "I thought he was making fun of Bill O'Reilly -- Papa Bear," and she said, "Did you see that old clip of O'Reilly on YouTube screaming abuse at people?" and I said, "He's horrible, and he makes excuses for the war and global warming..." and she had to use the blow-drier for a while and then she said, "I heard that polar bears are going extinct because of global warming," and I said, "That's what Papa Bear should be screaming about," and then I said I liked my new cut, but now I'm not sure it's bold enough, and even the fish seem to think it's a little tame, and though they're not crazy about bears either, they regret the fact that the polar bears are drowning, because they know that rising sea levels are a way bigger threat to anybody without gills than bears are -- or for that matter the liberals Bill O’Reilly hates so much.']

Which is Worse, Golf or Aging Rock Stars?

When David Lee Roth and the Van Halens contributed generously to the Tiger Woods Foundation, I decided to jump at the chance to talk about the negative environmental impact of golf. [Click on the image to see a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'Leda was here because her father was at her place watching golf on TV, and she said, "Golf is the most outrageously boring thing in the world," and I said, "I read that David Lee Roth and the Van Halens gave a lot of money to Tiger Woods' Foundation, and I think aging rock stars are the most boring thing in the world," and Leda said, "Lewis Black should do a Root of All Evil show to decide between golf and aging rock stars," and I said, "I didn't say aging rock stars are more EVIL than golf," and Leda said, "But don't aging rock stars and golf both bore people to death, which is inherently evil?" and I said, "Golf courses use huge amounts of pesticides and pollute ground water and destroy wetlands, whereas aging rock stars just act embarrassing," and Leda said, "My dad loves Van Halen," and I said, "With or without David Lee Roth?" and she said, "This conversation is getting outrageously boring," and she went back to her place to tell her dad why golf sucks, and my rabbit, who likes his greens organic and secretly loves Van Halen, wanted to listen to “Jump,” so we went ahead and did.']