How Green Are Billboard's Greenest Musicians?

I love the Roots, but I wonder how green some of Billboard's greenest musicians really are, especially the ones being honored for using biofuels. [Click on the image for a larger version of the cartoon. The text reads: "The day after Earth Day, Billboard named the ten greenest musicians, and I was excited that the Roots made the list because they speak out about nonviolence and vegetarianism, and I'm not a Radiohead fan, but I'm glad they were on the list too because it was pretty radical to make a downloadable-only album and they also pretty much refuse to travel, but a lot of the musicians on the list just do things like carbon offsetting and using biodiesel in their tour buses, which reminds me of that Live Earth concert last year when thousands of people traveled thousands of miles and made a negative environmental impact so they could tell people not to make a negative environmental impact, and while I understand the motive for Willie Nelson's biodiesel, there are food riots going on because we might not be able to use our crops to keep all these cars and trucks going, so we should probably try to be more like my gerbil because the only wheel he keeps rolling is the one he powers himself."]

Brigitte Bardot Could Learn a Lot from Cesar Chavez

Brigitte Bardot has again been fined for her anti-immigrant comments. She could learn a lot from Cesar Chavez, who helped immigrants and animals and everybody, really. [Click on the image for a larger version of the cartoon. The text reads: 'I told Tea I was going out of town to visit my rescued Premarin mare, and she said, "Premarin -- isn't that hormone pills?" and I said, "Made from pregnant mare's urine; my mare peed for a drug company for years and then she was slated to be dogfood," and Tea said, "I just saw Brigitte Bardot on the news and she must have stopped taking her hormone pills -- she looks really old and she's always going on about animals," and I said, "Wasn't she just fined for saying bad things about Muslim immigrants?" and Tea said, "She says she hates the way Muslims slaughter sheep on one of their holidays," and I said, "So the French were really kind to animals before Muslims came along? How about the way they force food down a goose's gullet until its liver turns to pate?" and Tea said, "A lot of people that are sentimental about animals are really right-wing -- I mean, Hitler was a vegetarian," and I said, "That's debatable, but Cesar Chavez was definitely a vegetarian, and he did lots of good things for immigrants," and Tea said, "He was probably just too poor to afford meat," and I said," There's no reason you can't be kind to animals and people, too," and to prove it, I left to go visit my mare before I told Tea I thought she was talking horseshit.']

Charlton Heston and Respect for Other Primates

Charlton Heston died recently, but instead of commenting on his NRA connections, I decided to remember his role in Planet of the Apes and recommend some respect for non-human primates. [Click on the image for a larger version of the cartoon. The text reads: 'My monkey Peanut and I went to Ceci's house to watch some old movies, and we heard that Charlton Heston was dead, and I said, "Well, we can finally pry the gun from his cold, dead hands," and Ceci laughed, and then she said, "But I did like some of his movies," and we started talking about Heston films, and Ceci seemed surprised when I said that Peanut hates the Planet of the Apes movies because they're so unrealistic, and she said, "What do you think about Soylent Green?" and I said, "It had global warming and food riots, so it was more believable than a movie about a place where the monkeys are in charge," and Ceci said, "Speaking of monkeys, I saw a program on TV that said they can grow up to be really aggressive -- remember when Paris Hilton's monkey bit her?" and I said, "Actually, it was a kinkajoo," and then I said Peanut and I had to go, but to be honest, I've been thinking the same thing lately, that Peanut isn't going to be too happy with me when he grows up, and he actually does like Planet of the Apes movies more than I would like to admit.']

Demi Moore's Leech Therapy and the Health Care Crisis

Demi Moore's leech therapy seems so medieval, but so does the lack of affordable health care in the United States! [Click on the image for a larger version of the cartoon. The text reads: 'I'm a big believer in alternative medicine, and I go for shiatsu and a chiropractic workover at least once a month, but when Demi Moore told Letterman about her leech therapy -- I mean she said they put leeches in her belly button (her term, not mine) to suck out the toxins -- I began to wonder what that meant about the zeitgeist, and I know leeches have medical uses, and they say Demi's trying lots of rejuvenating possibilities because she's a little desperate about being 15 years older than her husband, but it sounds so medieval, and yet with the way things are going in our healthcare system, it's probably only a matter of time before your only option is to go to the barber for a good bleed, because everything else is so expensive and insurance rates just keep going up, and a lot of other medieval things are coming back -- like torture -- so I decided to adopt a few leeches of my own because they say the recession is coming, and I can always use extra ways to supplement my income.']

Favorite Daytime TV Host

I like Ellen, but no matter what the polls say, I love Oprah for the puppy mill show that she dedicated to her dog. And Phil Donahue's movie, Body of War, is out now, too, which is what makes him our favorite talk show host. [Click on the image for a larger version of the cartoon. The text reads: 'Brie was here and she said, “According to some poll, Ellen DeGeneres is America’s favorite talk show host, and you know I love Ellen,” and I said, “I heard that, too, but I don’t think people like her more than Oprah,” and Brie said, “They said Larry King is least sexy,” and I said, “Duh!” and we talked about talk show hosts for a while, and finally I said, “Do you remember Phil Donahue?” and she said, “I think he was married to Marlo Thomas, and I ever so vaguely remember ‘That Girl,’” and I said, “They kicked Donahue off the air because he was controversial, but he just made a movie about a paralyzed Iraq veteran,’ and then I said, ‘I love Oprah, but Phil Donahue is my favorite talk show host now,’ and Brie said, ”Well, he’s not on any more, so he can’t be,’ and I said, “ We should start a campaign to bring him back,” but Brie said she was already multitasking and hardly had time to be here in the first place, which I found kind of insulting, and then I said, “Remember that dog Ellen gave away that she shouldn’t have? Well, Oprah dedicated a whole show to her dog,” and Brie left in a huff, and my dog and I watched Oprah on the laptop, so we could be multitasking too...']

McCartney-Mills Divorce Settlement

I applaud activism, and McCartney and Mills made a nice couple, but the rich are still different from you and me. [Click on the image for a larger version of the cartoon. The text reads: 'On St. Patrick’s Day I heard about the divorce settlement between Paul McCartney and Heather Mills, and Paul has always been my favorite Beatle and I loved his vegetarian lifestyle and the rabbit loved his opposition to bloodsports, and I admired her work against landmines, and I thought they made a fabulous couple, but the marriage didn’t last, and they said she was just a golddigger and he should have signed a prenup, so the whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth, and I guess Brangelina will have to be my favorite celebrity activist couple now, and it does occur to me that actually they’re just a bunch of spoiled rich people, but at least the taxpayers don’t have to bail them out of the consequences of their stupid decisions like we’ll probably have to do for Bear Stearns.']

Getting an Earworm from the Torture Playlist

When I found out about the torture playlist used in American military prisons, I couldn't get some of the songs -- or the horrible images -- out of my head. [Click on the image for a larger version of the cartoon. The text reads: 'I’ve been doing some yoga to try to clear my mind so I can get rid of a song that keeps going through my head because I now know it’s on a torture playlist that interrogators use to disorient prisoners and cause sleep deprivation and cover the noise of the screams, and I love music, but I just feel sick when I think about that because I know what it’s like when those two guys that live in the apartment downstairs blast heavy metal until 2:00 in the morning, and I have been known to call the police, and when you remember that they forced Noriega to surrender by blaring music at him, you know what a powerful force it can be, and lately the cat has been acting offended as if to say "the Meow Mix jingle?” because that’s one of the tunes they used, and to top it all off one of the bands, Deicide says they’re proud that “F**k Your God” was used at Guantanamo, but “Raspberry Beret” is on that playlist and it happens to be one of my favorite songs, and now I can’t get it out of my head, and I wonder what Prince would say...']