Fashion Sense Says Clean Coal is as Unreal as Santa Claus

There have been some memorable images of Santa Claus this holiday season, including Santa Claus as murderer, but one Santa who tried to bring sanity rather than mayhem was the one who gave coal to the board members of the Tennessee Valley Authority and a message about the terrible consequences of using coal as an energy source. A few days later, a huge spill of toxic slurry into the Tennessee River emphasized the message that there's no such thing as clean coal -- even if it is possible to scrub away the greenhouse gases, the current method of extracting coal destroys whole mountains and coal's byproducts poison our waters. [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'The day after Christmas I was at Virginia's house giving her a leech therapy treatment, and the TV was on so we saw some news about that murderer who dressed as Santa Claus, and before I could say anything about the victims she said, "I'm really getting upset about people who make Santa Claus look bad because I love him, and I worry about his image," and I said, "I agree that he does have an image problem -- he flies all over the world every year giving out loads of consumer crap, and some people say he overworks those poor elves and abuses the reindeer," and she said, "Oh, I hope you don’t believe everything you hear. Poor Santa is a major celebrity, yet anybody who wants to can dress like him and impersonate him," and I said, "Did you hear about the the holding pond that broke recently and dumped millions of gallons of toxic coal slurry into the Tennessee River?" and she said, "What's that have to do with Santa?" and I said, "A few days before that happened, Santa Claus brought lumps of coal to board members of the Tennessee Valley Authority to tell them it’s bad of them to burn so much coal because slurry spills are polluting our water (which is where leeches live, you know), and coal creates huge environmental problems like the destruction of whole mountains when it’s extracted and the emission of greenhouse gases when it’s burned, so I was happy about what Santa did, though he ended up in jail, and then this latest disaster occurred," and she said, “See? That’s what I mean. Anybody can pretend to be Santa and use his good name to call attention to their cause, which ought to be illegal. Besides, I don’t think there’s any such thing as global warming, do you?" and I said, "Yes, Virginia, there is such a thing as global warming. And clean coal is even more of a fantasy than Santa Claus!”']

Fashion Sense Says We Need an Auto Industry that Respects Workers and the Environment

Republican Senators turned down the Big 3 auto bailout, citing excessive labor costs. But the figures used to justify this decision are bogus. The U.S. auto industry has far more serious problems than labor costs, and there are only green solutions. [Click on the above image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'Yesterday I was riding my bike, and I saw Tiffany going into the bank, and I stopped to ask how her designer Christmas cookie business is doing this year, and she said, "Because of the war on Christmas, people aren't ordering a lot of cookies," and I said, "Maybe it's the economy," and she said, "No, there's a war on Christmas! Stephen Colbert had a whole special about it, which was great, though I didn't like the part where Willie Nelson was a wiseman bringing marijuana to the baby Jesus," and I said, "But people are really suffering this holiday season. And as if things aren't bad enough, Congress just told the autoworkers that their jobs aren't worth saving unless they make huge concessions," and she said, "Well, I understand that. I had to go to school for a long time before I started my designer Christmas cookie business, and even so I don't earn $73/hour," and I said, "Neither do the UAW people. That's a bogus figure that factors in all the retiree benefits," and she said, "Well, those UAW workers get way more in health benefits than any cookie designer I know," and I said, "If the U.S. had universal health care, companies wouldn't have such enormous health costs," and she said, "I would think you'd be against bailing out big corporations, especially car companies," and I said, "I don’t even own a car, but if we lose the U.S. auto industry, this country won't make anything any more!" and she said, "As a designer Christmas cookie maker, I resent that!" and I said, "How will people be able to afford upscale items like your designer Christmas cookies if they don't earn decent wages?" and she said, "People have to learn to live within their means! This year I have a generic line of Christmas treats that suit even the most modest and economy-stressed budget," and I said, "Like what?" and she said, "I say, if they can't afford designer cookies, let them eat fruitcake!" and I said, "My gerbil nibbles on everything, but even he won't eat fruitcake," but her cell phone rang right then, and she didn't hear me.']

Fashion Sense Comments on James Bond, Coca-Cola, and Eco-villains

The latest James Bond movie, "Quantum of Solace," features a villain who pretends to be an environmentalist while trying to steal water resources. Ironically, Coca-Cola, which came out with Quantum of Solace Coke Zero to coincide with the movie's release, also pretends to be environmentally responsible while using up other people's water. [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'My younger brother is a huge James Bond fan and he has a big collection of Bond memorabilia, and when he came to see me today he had two black bottles with him, and I said, “What’s in the bottles?” and he said, “Limited Edition Quantum of Solace Coke!” and I said, "I didn't know James Bond drank Coke," and he gave me one of those exasperated looks and said, "He drinks martinis, but this is Coke Zero, and Bond is Zero Zero Seven, get it?" and I said, "Isn't the villain in Quantum of Solace trying to steal Bolivia's water?" and he said, "Yeah, Dominic Greene pretends to be an environmentalist, but he really wants to control the water supply," and I said, "So Dominic Greene is kind of like Coca Cola," and he gave me another exasperated look and said, "In what way?" and I said, "Coca-Cola claims to be very concerned about the environment, but they earn huge profits from soft drinks and bottled water and end up stealing people's drinking water in places like India," and then he said, "Speaking of water, your aquarium is ridiculously huge. If you were a Bond villain, you'd be the guy in The Spy Who Loved Me who wants human civilization to start over again under the ocean," and I know that when my brother is mad at somebody he starts comparing them to Bond villains, so I waited a while and then I said, "Critics are saying that Quantum of Solace is more like a Jason Bourne movie than a Bond movie," and my brother happily spent half an hour telling me why those critics spew total crap, and he finished by saying, "Besides, everybody knows Jason Bourne movies are complete fantasies!"']

Fashion Sense Thinks Michael Vick has Paid a Bigger Price for Animal Cruelty Than Most

On Thanksgiving I thought about how few people ever pay any price at all for their cruelty to animals. Maybe Michael Vick deserves a second chance. (And speaking of animal cruelty, here's a little info about how that Thanksgiving turkey was slaughtered.) [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'My sister and I wanted to avoid the big family get-together at Thanksgiving, so I invited her to my place for a quiet meal, and as soon as she got here she said, "I just heard that Michael Vick might get out of jail early and might not have to serve his full sentence for dogfighting," and I said, "Yeah, but he did lose a lot of money, and he's been in Leavenworth for a while, so maybe he's paid for his crimes against animals," and she said, "I think he should spend a year in prison for every dog he tortured," and I said, "I don't think that would be fair at all! The people who own factory farms torture billions of animals so people can eat cheap meat, and they never spend a day in Leavenworth," and she said, "Those are business practices, not crimes," and I said, "I'm opposed to cruelty to animals, whether it's for fun or profit," and she said, "OK, whatever. How's the goose?" and I said, "He keeps asking, 'If Americans can put a man on the moon, why can't they get everybody to eat tofurky on Thanksgiving?'" and she said, "Oh, god, I forgot that you’re a vegetarian now. Don't tell me we're having tofu turkey for lunch?" and I said, "It's in the oven now. It's delicious," and she said, "Um... well... um... I forgot to tell you I'm going to Grandma's house for dinner, and there'll be ham and pot roast and chicken and turkey and all the trimmings, so I'll just have a cup of coffee and watch you enjoy your lunch," but she kept saying "Ick!" under her breath while I ate, so neither of us enjoyed ourselves very much.']

Fashion Sense Tries to Understand Ted Turner

Ted Turner has been making the rounds lately, promoting his new memoir. Though Turner has done some good deeds, he's still a billionaire and the largest individual landowner in the U.S., with all the problems and complications that implies. [Click on the above image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'As usual, when I was on my way to visit my rescued Premarin mare, I ran into my next-door neighbor, and she said, "Hey, did you see Ted Turner on Sixty Minutes the other night?" and I said, "No, I missed that," and she said, "I assume you like Ted Turner since he used to be married to Jane Fonda and is a big liberal media tycoon and loves the United Nations and has a huge ranch where he lets the buffalo roam," and I said, "I like some things about him, but I'm not a big fan," and she said, "That really surprises me, but then I mostly like him because he gave us Turner Classic Movies, and I love watching those old Westerns. I mean, you love Westerns, right? I mean, you being a horsewoman and all," and I said, "I don't watch most Westerns because they usually treat American Indians pretty offensively and lie about how the West was stolen," and she said, "On Good Morning America I heard Ted say that he wants to earn enough money with his new book and his restaurants to buy back the Atlanta Braves. That shows he appreciates Indians, right?" and I said, "When Turner owned the Atlanta Braves, American Indians were upset that he wouldn't stop using the tomahawk chop, and some don't like the way he raises and slaughters his buffalo," and she looked very annoyed when she said, "Speaking of Westerns, your whole life's philosophy seems to be that there's The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, and you choose to emphasize the ugly -- but, oh, excuse me, I forgot, you don't watch Westerns, do you?" and I said, "Well, I did enjoy Brokeback Mountain," and she just rolled her eyes and walked back into her house.']

Fashion Sense Says There's Work to Be Done

Obama won, and for a while Americans have celebrated the election of our first African-American president. But everywhere we look -- from our economy to our environment -- our country is in a shambles. We have a lot of work ahead of us! [Click on the image to see a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'Tonight we're having a LOVE meeting -- the League of Voting Environmentalists -- and we're supposed to be having a post-election strategy session, and everybody is excited about the fact that Obama won, but nobody wants to get down to business, and as soon as I got here Alissa said, "Did you see that dress Michelle was wearing on election night? What was up with that?" and Melissa, who is very big on Michelle, said, "I thought it was very cool," and Clarissa said, "I wonder when we'll find out if Al Franken won his Senate seat?" and Larissa said, "I don't know why he wouldn't win. He's good enough and he's smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like him... Remember when he was Stewart Smalley on Saturday Night Live?" and everybody laughed and talked about Tina Fey doing Palin on SNL for a while, and then Clarissa said, "Do you think Palin's wardrobe really looked like it was worth $150,000?" and we critiqued Palin's shoes for a while, and finally I said, "Hey, you guys are starting to sound like the commentators on Entertainment Tonight," and Alissa said, "Well, Barack is the biggest celebrity in the world right now," and I said, "But he's also the president-elect, and our country is a mess, and we all have a lot of work to do," and Larissa said, "Speaking of commentators, I really don't think Leno should have made fun of Wolf Blitzer’s holograms," and I said, "I'm going to take my dog out for a piddle," and Clarissa said, "Would you bring in the copy of People Magazine from my car?" and Alissa told me to ask my dog what kind of puppy the Obamas should get for their kids, and I said, "You know, I'm not sure I enjoy being in LOVE any more," and Clarissa said, "That's exactly what Britney Spears always says, but she never means it."']

On Halloween Fashion Sense Celebrates Bats

Along with bees, bats are increasingly endangered and very important pollinators. Halloween is a great time to celebrate them and get rid of all our prejudices and misconceptions. [Click on the above image to view a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'I was out with my binoculars a little before dark on Halloween, trying to spot an owl I thought I heard, when a bat began to flutter around my head, which I admit freaked me out a little, and the bat was, like, Why do people find bats so repulsive? and I said, "Um, I don't know. Bats fly at night, and they don't have feathers on their wings like birds do, and they make strange noises," and the bat was, like, The same things could be said about a commercial jet on a redeye flight. No, I think people see animals as either good and cute or bad and ugly, and bats are definitely in the latter category, and I said, "Bats must be at least a little bit attractive to us because we love Batman, who tries to look and act like a bat," and the bat was, like, Yeah, I did hear that the latest Batman release -- The Dark Knight -- did very well at the box office, and I said, "I saw a list of Top-Earning Dead Celebrities in Forbes, and the recently deceased actor who played the Joker in that movie came out in third place," and the bat was, like, So who was the first-place top dead celebrity earner? and I said, "Elvis, and weirdly enough, Albert Einstein was number four on the list," and the bat was, like, Is it true that Einstein once said that if there are no more bees there will be no more humans in four years? And I said, "According to what I've read, that quote is apocryphal," and the bat was, like, Since, bats are disappearing, too, and we're important pollinators, why are there no apocryphal Einstein quotes about bats? and I said, "I don't know," and the bat was, like, "Endangered species can be worth saving even if humans don't think they're cute, and as it flew off, I called after it, "Don't forget to look at all the cool, creepy bat decorations tonight.”']

Fashion Sense Comments on the Return of Gordon Gekko

There's going to be a sequel to Wall Street. Will Gordon Gekko still think "Greed is good?" [Click on the above image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'My cousin Tiffany called and asked if I wanted to come to her Coalition of Women in Business luncheon, and I said, "Thanks but I don't have a business," and she said, "Well, the speaker is going to talk about the credit crunch and explain why the government is nationalizing the banks. I remembered that you're a socialist, so I thought you might be interested," and I said, "What makes you think I'm a socialist?" and she said, "You were such a radical back in the 80s," and I said, "I was a Vegetarian Skateboarder for Social Responsibility. And I did have friends that were socialists," and she said, "I remember when we saw 'Wall Street,' and you went on and on about how much you despised Gordon Gekko," and I said, "First of all, I don't like Michael Douglas. And secondly, I think you're supposed to dislike a character who says, 'Greed is good,'" and she said, "And you called the Wall Street brokers a bunch of dirty rats," and I said, "I doubt that I called them dirty rats, Tiff. You know I keep rats as pets," and she said, "Ugh. Please don't bring your rats to the luncheon. Maybe you called the brokers fat cats. Anyway you used to be pretty radical," and I said, "I heard they're going to make a sequel to Wall Street and continue Gordon Gekko's story in the current financial crisis," and she said, "OK, but do you want to go to the luncheon or not?" and I said, "Do they have a vegetarian option?" and she said, "I'm sure you can get a salad," and I said, "OK. I'll come. After all, Gordon Gekko said 'Lunch is for wimps,'" and she said, "Honestly, I think you're even more baffling than the economy is."']

Fashion Sense Tries to Make Sense of Sarah Palin Again

This is the third time Fashion Sense has commented on Sarah Palin, this time using Matt Damon's comment that a Palin presidency would be like a bad and terrifying Disney movie. [Click on the above image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'I took Peanut to a primate rescue center because he really wasn’t very happy, and I rented a couple old Disney movies to make myself feel better, and I invited Ceci to come over and watch them with me, and she brought us some organic popcorn, and we enjoyed the show, and after the movies were over, we watched a little of the news, and Ceci said, "Remember when Matt Damon said the terrifying possibility of Sarah Palin becoming president is like a bad Disney movie called The Hockey Mom? " and I said, "Yeah, but I think Palin's whole life is like a bunch of different Disney movies -- she's always smiling like Pollyanna, but she's less truthful than Pinnochio," and she said, "I just read that she's distantly related to Princess Diana and she's definitely been raised suddenly and unexpectedly above her station in life, so we can throw in The Princess Diaries," and I said, "And she's as callous toward wild animals as the cruel hunter that killed Bambi's mother," and Ceci said, "Should we mention Dumbo?" and I said, "Better not. She'd only hunt him down," and she said, "What about Dinosaurs?" and I said, "No. That movie offended fundamentalists who don't accept the theory of evolution. Palin thinks they should teach creationism in the schools," and she said, “And Palin’s attitude toward the environment, if she became president, would lead us to the devastated future Earth depicted in WALL-E. I mean, wouldn't it?" and I said, "You betcha," but I wasn't smiling or winking when I said it.']

Fashion Sense Empathizes with Victims of the Housing Crisis

Fashion Sense says Main Street (i.e., where people are in danger of losing their homes to foreclosure) deserves to be bailed out more than Wall Street does. However, now is the time to consider other options besides home ownership -- even for Ed McMahon. [You can see an animated version of this cartoon on Alice's website. Click on the above image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'I was at the pond today borrowing leeches for my leech therapy business, and then when I was on my way to get some cash, my sister the realtor called, and she said, "I have a great deal for you," and I said, "I don't want to buy a house," and she said, "It's perfect for a trendy person like you," and I said, "You mean you're desperate to unload it," and she said, "Donald Trump says now is a great time to buy a house," and I said, "I work at a cruelty-free body-care store, and I have a part-time leech therapy business. I'm not ready to buy a house," and she said, "It's the American dream," and I said, "I don't want the responsibility or the extra work," and she said, "Don't you want to be respectable?" and I said, "Respectable like Ed McMahon, willing to rap for FreeCreditReport.com after he lost his house?" and she said, "Do you really want to be a loser in an apartment all your life?" and I said, "During the housing bubble developers destroyed farmland and wildland so people could invest in second and third homes; even if I could get a loan, I don't want any part of that," and she said, "Leeches are disgusting," and I said, "The real leeches are on Wall Street," and she said, "Can I borrow $100?" and I said, "I can even let you have it at sub-prime rates," and she said, "I don't think that's very funny," but she's going to come over to my place tonight to get a loan and a free leech therapy treatment.']

Fashion Sense Thinks Bush is a Better Illusionist Than Blaine

David Blaine's dive of death wasn't considered to be a great success. Now the Bush administration is trying to keep its credibility among Republicans while bailing out Wall Street. If they succeed, it will be one of the greatest illusions of all time. [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'Leda's father was at her place watching financial news on her plasma screen TV, and he was going ballistic about the stock market, so she came over to my place, and we watched re-runs of David Blaine hanging upside down for sixty hours and making his supposed dive of death, and Leda said, "Actually, that was pretty lame," and I said, "A lot of stuff he does is pretty lame, but Houdini showed that taking senseless risks can sometimes be spectacular," and Leda said, "But Blaine didn't even stay upside down the whole time; he took breaks," and I said, "It would have been too risky to be upside-down the whole time -- it could have made his head explode or something," and she said, "Now that would have been spectacular," and I said, "The rabbit and I like him because he doesn’t use any animals in his act, and also I think he’s trying to tell us something," and Leda said, "What?" and I said, "He was hanging upside down over New York while the government figured out how to bail out Wall Street, and he didn’t do a very good job of it. Maybe he wants us to know that big finance is the greatest escape artist, and the government is the real illusionist, as they try to make a multi-billion dollar bailout at taxpayers expense seem reasonable," and she said, "So Blaine represents the little guy who has to manage his own risks, while the Bush administration doles out corporate welfare and turns everything they’ve ever said about the free market upside down," and I said, "It’s enough to make your head explode," and she said, "I think I better go check on my dad," and after she left, the rabbit and I tried to do a little levitation act, which is our way of saying we'll have to hang tough until we see how the latest Wall Street illusion works out.']

Voting for Sarah Palin Doesn't Make Sense at Fashion Sense

Some women are impressed by Sarah Palin's fashion sense and claim they will vote for her because she is a woman, but that doesn't make sense to Fashion Sense. [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'Michelle Obama made People Magazine's best-dressed list, and I really like her crisp, classic look, so I tried to dress like that when I went to meet Tea for lunch, and when I got there I was surprised to see Tea in rimless glasses, open-toed shoes and upswept hair, and I said, "What's with the Sarah Palin look?" and she snapped back, "What's in your bag? Some Michelle Obama terrorist accessories?" and I said, "Let's just have a nice lunch and not get too unpleasant in this election season," and she said, "I'm sorry. I'm not even a Republican, and I don't know what came over me. But as soon as I put on this outfit, I got all self-righteous and developed an enormous appetite for fresh-killed game," and she ordered rare venison, and I had a salad and sneaked a little of it to my tortoise who was the real reason I was carrying such a big bag, and then Tea said, "Is that arugula? You are such an elitist," and then she took out her make-up bag and started doing her lips, and she whispered, "What does it really mean? Lipstick on a pig? Is that some Islamic curse?"']

Sarah Palin's Choices Don't Make Sense at Fashion Sense

Though Fashion Sense usually comments on celebrity antics, I think that the extensive tabloid coverage of Sarah Palin's family life qualifies her as a temporary celebrity. Her positions on family planning and wilderness protection are particularly troubling. [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'My neighbor was coming out of her house when I was on my way to visit my rescued Premarin mare, and before I could pretend I didn't see her, she shouted, "Hey! Did you hear the Republicans have a woman VP?" and I said, "I couldn't help but hear about it. Sarah Palin is all over the grocery store tabloids, like any other celebrity," and she said, "Isn't it great to have a woman running for such a high office?" and I didn't say anything, so she said, "She's a real woman, just like you and me," and I said, "Well, she isn't much like me because I don't like hunting," and she said, "It's a free country, and you don't have to hunt if you don't want to," and I said, "And I don't like fishing," and and she started to get that combative gleam in her eye, and she said, "Like I said, it's a free country, and you don't have to fish if you don't want to," and I said, "And I don't like guns," and she said, "And you don't have to have a gun if you don't want to," and I said, "And I don't want to have any kids," and she looked like she was running out of patience, and she said, "Well, you don't even have a boyfriend, do you? You don't have to have any kids if you don't want to," and I said, "My mare was forced to bear foal after foal so that she would continue to pee out hormones the drug companies needed, and I sympathize with any female forced to be pregnant," and my neighbor said, "You like to make everything unpleasant and complicated, don't you?" and I said, "Unwanted pregnancy is unpleasant and complicated, and according to what I've read, Sarah Palin is even against birth control pills," and my neighbor said, "I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you gave your horse birth control pills," and she stormed away before I could ask her if, in this free country, I would have to have drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge if I didn't want to. ']

Vicky Cristina Barcelona; Gustav Katrina New Orleans

In the wake of hurricane Gustav, I had a few thoughts on Javier Bardem's aversion to cars and on Trouble the Water, a film about Katrina and New Orleans. [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'Rosa called and asked if I wanted to see a movie, and I said, "Which one?" and she said, "How about Vicky Cristina Barcelona?" and I said, "I heard it has tons of beautiful footage of the city," and she said, "And tons of beautiful footage of Javier Bardem," and I said, "I read in Time that he doesn't like to drive and calls cars speeding bullets," and Rosa said, "Speaking of cars, when are you going to get one?" and I said, "I’m not. My bike is good enough for me," and she said, "But what if you had to take your injured child to the ER?" and I didn't bother to remind her that I don't have any kids, and I said, "If my gerbil had a midnight emergency, I’d put him in a carrier and call a cab," and then I said, "I want to see Trouble the Water, too -- it’s about Katrina and New Orleans," and she said, "I just heard an interview with Danny Glover, who produced it; he said the reason all those poor people couldn't evacuate was because they didn't have cars, which is another good argument for owning one," and I said, "Or a good argument for decent public transit. And what’s really indecent is that a lot of them still haven’t made it back home again, especially the ones who are African American," and she said, "Hurricane Gustav wasn’t too bad, but they made everybody leave the city just in case; maybe someday we’ll all be evacuated from here for some reason, and then what will you do?" and I wanted to change the subject, so I said, "So which movie do you want to see? Vicky Cristina Barcelona or Gustav Katrina New Orleans?" and Rosa said, "Trouble the Water is too depressing. Let's see the Woody Allen. I'll pick you up at 7:30," and I said, "No, thanks. I'll ride my bike. I need the exercise," which seems to be the one reason for traveling by bike that car addicts don’t try to argue with.']

Madonna Has Turned 50 and Isn't a Feminist Yet

Madonna turned fifty and is still in great shape (and just started her "Sticky and Sweet" tour), but I don't think she was ever a feminist. [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'Madonna turned 50 a little while ago, and she's still in great shape, and I want to get flat abs like hers, and today just as I started doing my exercises, my cat wanted to talk, and she was, like, So do you really admire Madonna? and I said, "I wish I had a body like hers," and she was, like, And do you think Madonna is a feminist? and I said, "I guess so. She's a strong woman who does what she wants and isn't afraid to be herself," and my cat was, like, What about this thing between her and A-Rod? Do you think they were really having an affair? and I said, "She claims they weren't, but the gossip magazines were full of rumors, and his wife just divorced him," and my cat was, like, I was spayed a long time ago, so I don't know much about the whole sex thing, but didn't Madonna's focus on her provocative sexuality help to introduce the post-feminist backlash? and I said, "I guess I haven't really given it a lot of thought," and my cat was, like, And also if Madonna was really a feminist and thought sisterhood was powerful, wouldn't she care more about how A-Rod's wife felt during that seamy little scandal? and I said, "Yeah, regardless of whether or not the rumors are true, if women like Madonna were really feminists, it would probably be harder for men like A-Rod to cat around, if you know what I mean," and my cat suddenly got very animated, and she was, like, So you believe there's something positive about a pairing of equal partners, committed to each other, with no real room for interlopers? and I said, "Yeah, I guess so," and my cat was, like, Well then why did you bring that stupid shelter cat home and allow her to come between us?']

Julie Child Had to be Tough -- to be a Spy and to be a French Chef!

Recent revelations that Julia Child was a spy for the OSS don't surprise me. Her work for the OSS during World War II is notable, but I don't think her role as celebrity French chef is cause for celebration. You have to be tough to ignore the cruelty and environmental problems inherent in the production of meat, especially veal and other staples of French cuisine. [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'Kiki just called, and I told her I was cooking dinner, and she said, "God, vegetarians are always in the kitchen," and I said I like to cook, and she said, "Speaking of cooking, did you hear that Julia Child used to be a spy? She must have been pretty tough," and I said, "I think you have to be tough to be a French chef. They turn a blind eye to suffering when they make all that veal and pate de foie gras," and Kiki said, "Speaking of tough old birds, how's the goose?" and I said, "Happy not to be dinner," and she said, "I heard Julia Child didn't like vegetarians," and I said, "Neither does the meat industry, but becoming a vegetarian helps end animal suffering and helps stop global warming. Did you know that the methane cattle and their manure produce has a global warming effect equal to that of 33 million cars?" and Kiki said, "I'm going out to eat, so I don't want to hear any more disgusting factoids," and she hung up on me before I could say, "Bon appetit!"']

Yao Ming Used to Play for the Shanghai Sharks, and He Doesn't Eat Shark Fin Soup

During this Olympic season, Fashion Sense pays tribute to Chinese athlete Yao Ming, who not only used to play for the Shanghai Sharks, but also has pledged not to eat shark fin soup because the slaughter of sharks is endangering these important creatures. [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'I agreed to meet Amber at the aquarium today, even though I don't enjoy seeing creatures in captivity, because we were watching the U.S. vs. China Olympic basketball game, and she said, "Why is Yao Ming playing for China? I thought he played for the Houston Rockets?" and I said, "He's a Chinese citizen so in the Olympics he plays for China," and she got caught up in the game for a while, and then she said, "Why would he want to play for China? They couldn't even control the weather and cut pollution for the Olympics the way they said they would?" and I said, "It's really hard if not impossible to control the weather, but I agree they didn't do a very good job with the pollution," and she yelled, "Go U.S.A!" and got really caught up in the game for a while, and then I said, "But humans have too much control over sharks and tigers and lots of creatures that once seemed stronger than us, and I like Yao Ming because he made a promise not to eat shark fin soup any more," and she yelled "Go U.S.A!" again and got really excited about a Kobe Bryant slam dunk, and then she said, "You know, sharks are just huge killing machines that eat surfers," and I said, "Sharks are starting to go extinct, partly because shark fin soup is such a delicacy; fishermen catch sharks, cut off their fins and dump them back into the ocean to die slow deaths," and then the game ended and Amber yelled, "U.S.A. rules!" and I was getting sick of Olympic nationalism, so I invited her to see a shark up close and find out what Yao Ming and other people are trying to save, and to my surprise she agreed, and now I'm standing here beside the shark tank, and I love looking at the shark, but I really hope Amber gets here soon because feeding time is coming up, and I don’t really want to watch. ']

Bush, Not Hilton or Spears, is the World's Most Widely Recognized Media Creation

The Recent McCain ad that compares Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton neglects to mention that George W. Bush is actually the most widely recognized media creation in the world; without the help of Fox News and the rest of the media, Bush couldn't have remained in office for nearly eight years. [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'I'm getting more serious about birding, and I was out with my binoculars, and the first bird I spotted was a plain old dove, and I turned away impatiently, but the dove flew over to me, and she was, like, What's wrong? A common dove like me isn't enough of a glamor bird? and I said, "Really, you're lovely," and she was, like, I saw that bored-to-tears expression on your face; if you want to make a celebrity sighting, take your binoculars to the beach and wait for Britney Spears or Paris Hilton, and I said, "I'd definitely be bored to tears by either of those self-indulgent celebrities," and the dove was, like, Speaking of celebrities, what's up with that new McCain ad comparing Barack Obama to Spears and Hilton? and I said, "Actually our current president is the one who's a vapid but widely recognized media concoction. Bush can barely speak coherently and has proven himself to be corrupt and incompetent. Only the collusion of Fox News and other media could have kept him in power this long. And unlike Britney Spears or Paris Hilton, George W. Bush is more of a danger to others than to himself," and the dove was, like, I'm surprised McCain was so negative about Paris Hilton since her family gave money to his campaign, and I said, "They must be big hawks," and the dove must have thought I said, "That must be a big hawk," because she flew away in a panic.']

Kiefer Sutherland Regrets His DUI Conviction, and Fashion Sense Regrets His Role in 24

Kiefer Sutherland recently called his DUI conviction a "dumb mistake," but Fashion Sense thinks the real mistake is his role on 24, because his character Jack Bauer is a torture role model. In The Dark Side Jane Mayer shows how some psychologists have also made the world safer for torture. [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'Tamee asked me if I wanted to join the Kiefer Sutherland fan club, and I said, "No. I dislike him," and she said, "Why? He said he was really sorry about that DUI thing and really grateful to be on 24," and I said, "I dislike him because he plays Jack Bauer, who is a torture role model for some of our soldiers," and Tamee said, "That's not Kiefer's fault," and I said, "Not exactly, but he did choose to play a torturer," and Tamee said, "It's a free country," and I said, "That's debatable," and Tamee said, "Besides, it's not like he tortured anybody himself; he doesn't control the people who are influenced by him," and I said, "That's like saying Martin Seligman didn't torture anybody and can't help that people are influenced by him," and Tamee said, "Who's Martin Seligman?" and I said, "He's a psychologist who did experiments on dogs in the 70s where he abused them into what he called 'learned helplessness' and then they had no will to resist," and Tamee said, "So what?" and I said, "Seligman lectured to the CIA right before they started using torture interrogation techniques," and Tamee said,"That doesn't prove a connection any more than it does with Kiefer," and I said, "Seligman gave them the science, and Kiefer makes it seem sexy," and Tamee said, "Kiefer makes anything seem sexy," and I said, "I don't think it's a coincidence that prisoners are being kept in dog cages and on dog leashes and being made to bark like a dog and do tricks like a dog and being threatened by dogs -- any more than it's a concidence that soldiers that are fans of 24 start acting like Jack Bauer," and Tamee asked my dog what he thinks about all that, but he was too afraid to answer.']

Bush Wants Offshore Drilling; Oliver Stone Wants Answers

President Bush says he lifted the ban on offshore drilling for the good of the American people, but it will do little to lower the price of gas in the near future. (We need alternative sources of energy, not increased oil dependency!) Meanwhile, Oliver Stone is making a movie called W. (And Josh Brolin, who plays Bush in the film, was recently arrested during a bar fight.) Stone claims the movie will offer a fair portrait of Bush, but he wonders outloud how such a man ever came to power. Fashion Sense does, too. [Click on this image for a larger version of the cartoon. The text reads: 'I don't have any companion animals, but I like bird-watching, and I was just standing here with my binoculars when that gull came right over and was, like, What's all this I hear about more offshore oil drilling? and I said, "President Bush lifted an executive ban on offshore drilling because he says us poor Americans have suffered enough from high food and gas prices," and the gull was, like, Bush should pursue alternative energy sources, so us poor gulls don't have to die covered in oil after a big spill, and I said, "Bush says every extra dollar spent on gas is one that should go toward food or education," and the gull was, like, But isn't he the one that started a multi-trillion dollar war in Iraq, even as he cut taxes, making the economy go into a tailspin? and I said, "Yes, he's a very warlike President and not very smart," and the gull was, like, So how could this man be president for eight years? and I said, "Maybe Oliver Stone will tell us; he's making a new movie about Bush, called W," and the gull was, like, A little bird told me that Josh Brolin, who plays Bush, and some other cast and crew, got into a bar fight recently and were arrested, and I said, "What do you think that's about?" and the gull was, like, I don't know, maybe they're Method actors trying to get a real feel for what it's like to be Bush, and I said, "Stone says he wants to know: 'How did Bush go from being an alcoholic bum to the most powerful figure in the world?'" and the gull started laughing that weird gull laugh and flapped away.']

Katherine Hamnett's Organic Cotton T-Shirts with Progressive Slogans Make Fashion Sense

Designer Katherine Hamnett is making a comeback with her organic cotton T-shirts with progressive slogans on them. While the idea of an "ethical designer" is questionable in a world in which many people can't even afford food, the idea of organic cotton clothing made without sweatshop or child labor makes fashion sense to me. [Click on the image to see a larger version of this cartoon. The text says: 'I've always hated T-shirts, especially oversize T-shirts, and most especially oversize T-shirts with slogans on them, but Katharine Hamnett is making a comeback with her slogan T-shirts, which were big in the 80s, and even though the fashion industry is usually slow as my tortoise to adopt anything progressive, the fact that Sarah Jessica Parker wore a slogan T-shirt in the "Sex and the City" movie is proof of the trend, and there was recently an "annoying" slogan T-shirt fashion show in Australia as an anti-Pope protest ("The Pope is Wrong, Put a Condom On") before his visit there, and Hamnett also uses organic cotton in her shirts, which she says adds only 5% to the cost of the T-shirt but gives 50% more profits to poor farmers, so I bought this shirt with the slogan "Wear Your Heart on Your Sleeve, Buy Organic Cotton," because I thought it was a Katherine Hamnett design, and then I found out it wasn't, so I was mad and I decided to give the T-shirt to my sister Gloria because she'll wear anything – she still has a mullet, if you can believe that -- and then I decided that I do like the slogan, so I'm wearing the T-shirt, but now my tortoise and I are in disguise because I don't want to admit to my friends that I paid designer prices for a cheap knock-off.']

Was Cheeta Cheated Out of a Star -- or His Rights?

Cheeta was cheated out of his star on the Walk of Fame yet again, but if the Spanish Parliament had its way, he would never have had a movie career in the first place. (Fashion Sense says that would have been a good thing.) [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'My monkey Peanut and I were at Ceci's house watching Bette Davis movies, and just before we got ready to leave, she asked Peanut,"Did you know they refused to give Cheeta a star on the Walk of Fame again this year?" and I said, "Are you talking about the chimpanzee that was in Tarzan movies? I heard he's 76 years old and living in Palm Springs, so he doesn't have it so bad," and Ceci said, "You know in Spain they wouldn't be able to use a chimpanzee in movies any more because their Parliament has called for rights for great apes -- people can't use them for experiments or in circuses either," and I got a little defensive because I know Ceci doesn't think I should have a monkey as a pet, so I said, "Spain is just trying to annoy Britain because Britain wants to cull the 'apes' on Gibraltar, and Spain thinks they should get Gibraltar back, and why should apes have rights when so many people don't have them?" and Ceci said, "Theoretically, every person has rights, and it's just a matter of enforcement, whereas other animals need protection," and I surprised myself by saying, "A bunch of stupid monkeys don't need rights!" and now Peanut isn't speaking to me at all.']

We Need Sensitivity, Not Stereotypes (Are You Listening, Don Imus?)

It's hard to believe there were good intentions behind Don Imus' insensitive question about Adam Jones (i.e., when he was told Jones had been arrested again, he asked, "What color is he?"). Al Sharpton said he'd keep an eye on Imus, Jones said he'd pray for him, and I decided to take the opportunity to comment on the problem of stereotyped thinking. [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'I was hurrying out the door, and I bumped into my neighbor, and she said, "What's the rush?" and I said, "I need to find a new place to board my rescued Premarin mare," and she asked why, and I said, "The woman I board with has been arrested," and she said, "What animal group did she belong to?" and I said, "None," and she said, "Those animal people keep getting arrested for domestic terrorism," and I said, "As a matter of fact, she was arrested for tax evasion," and she said, "So it's an antiwar thing?" and I said, "No, and you're starting to sound like Don Imus," and she said, "That poor guy. He can't say anything without being persecuted," and I said, "You really think it was OK to ask 'What color is he?' when he heard Adam Jones was arrested? He claims he was being sarcastic, but he’s not very sensitive" and she said, "Black people have to stop being so sensitive and just get over the racism thing," and I said, "Racism is still very real so it would be hard just to 'get over it,' and Don Imus is part of the problem," and she said, "He's always wearing a cowboy hat, so maybe he likes horses, too. Anyway, tell me about this animal rights antiwar woman that was arrested for domestic terrorism," and I pretended to get a phone call from my horse so my neighbor would stop interrogating me.']

Red Hot Chili Peppers Save Water

PETA just named its sexiest vegetarians for 2008 (Leona Lewis and Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers), but all vegetarians are pretty special because they use less of many valuable resources, including that most precious one of all -- water. [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text says: 'Kiki invited me to lunch so I could see her new house and pool, and I said, "Warning: I'm a vegetarian now," and she said, "I thought only stunted and oddball people like Dennis Kucinich are vegetarians," and I said, "PETA just named its sexiest vegetarians of the year, and Anthony Kiedis was one of them," and what could Kiki say, because she was wearing a Red Hot Chili Peppers tee-shirt and listening to them on her iPod even as we spoke, and at her house she gave me a nice salad, and when we went out to the pool she said, "I was wondering if you would take this goose off my hands," and I said, "But I thought he was an emergency organic meal," and she said, "I recently ate some goose meat, and it was horrible, and also he keeps swimming in the pool which really drives up the cleaning bills," and I said, "Speaking of wasting water, I'm glad I'm a vegetarian because it's one of the best things you can do to conserve water," and Kiki said, "I just went on the Atkins diet again so I asolutely have to have meat -- I mean, when it's a question of survival, you have to ignore the side issues, right?" and I would have argued about what constitutes a question of survival, but just then Kiki ran into the house to get me all the goose's accessories so I could take him home today.']

Grand Theft Ethanol

The new version of Grand Theft Auto gets attention because of its grim portrayal of city life, but some cities are experiencing a resurgence as people move back to cut fuel costs; anything that helps keep us from using food for fuel is to be applauded. [Click on the image to see a larger version of this cartoon. The text says: 'I live in the city, and when people see me on my bike, sometimes they ask me if my car was stolen, and I don't like to say I don't have a car because people think that's weird, so I change the subject and ask them if they play Grand Theft Auto, which I myself don't, but I do like that song in the commercials -- the one about living in the city and being out of control -- although that game does make the city seem pretty bleak, but I read that lots of people are starting to abandon the suburbs and move back into the cities because gas keeps going up and up, and this city is actually pretty safe, but when I park I take one wheel off my bike and carry it around with me so nobody can commit Not-So-Grand Theft Bicycle, and that's a small price to pay to be energy-efficient, and what's really out of control is that people are so addicted to cars they're willing to turn food, like corn, which both my gerbil and I love, into ethanol, because I think that using food for fuel is another kind of grand theft in this very hungry world.']

Leech Therapy vs. Celebrity Babies

The media are so excited about the upcoming birth of Brangelina's twins that Entertainment Tonight reported it had already happened (which it hasn't), and Jolie and Pitt will probably get $10 million for the first pictures of their babies. Considering the resources these star children will use, their upcoming births aren't really so exciting after all. [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'I decided not to go see Sex and the City because it would only make me feel bad -- not only can I not afford all those designer clothes but lately my life might as well be called Sexless and the City; I mean between my leech therapy business and the fact that I'm a fruitarian and president of the ferret rescue network, there are very few men who would even consider coming to my place let alone being naked in it, but on the other hand I don't really mind not having to worry about getting pregnant, because I don’t think I'll ever be ready for kids, even though having babies is very much in vogue; I mean Brangelina's unborn twins are the subject of so much fascinated speculation that big magazines are offering $10 million for the first pictures of the kids, which will supposedly go to charity, but talk about leeches, those twin babies are going to suck up so much of the world's limited resources it's amazing, and they’ll undoubtedly grow up to live a far more consumer-oriented lifestyle than the women in Sex and the City, so I guess I’m actually proud of my environmentally friendly lifestyle, but it would be nice if leeches were better company.']

Sharon Stone's Comments Were Thoughtless, but You Should Get Instant Karma

Sharon Stone's recent comments about the Chinese earthquake disaster and bad karma brought angry responses from the Chinese. There are better ways to react to outrages against human rights than blaming the victims of a natural disaster (e.g., Amnesty International's Instant Karma CD). [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'When I brought home a shelter cat, my first cat was, like, how can you do this to me; and I said, think of all the good karma this will bring us; and my cat was, like, you shouldn’t talk about karma in such a casual way – look what happened to Sharon Stone; and I said Sharon Stone thoughtlessly commented that China’s earthquake disaster might be bad karma from their hideous treatment of Tibet, which is blaming the victim, and that’s not what I’m doing; and my cat was, like, still we have to be careful not to use ancient spiritual concepts in an over-simplistic way, and besides this stupid cat wouldn’t have been in a shelter if she wasn’t so ugly and unloveable; and I said, she’s here to stay; but I bought my cat a copy of Instant Karma which is the album for Darfur that Amnesty International brought out because Yoko Ono gave all the rights to John’s songs to them; and I said generosity is a far better reaction to a disaster than blaming the victim; and my cat was, like, you’re blaming me for fighting with this interloper, when I’m the victim; but all I was saying was give peace a chance.']

Crystal Skull Not the Most Important Thing at Cannes

The premier at Cannes of the film Blindness, which was based on the novel by Jose Saramago, was a more note-worthy event than the latest installment of the Indiana Jones series. [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'The rats and I watched the coverage from Cannes because we wanted to see how they were going to commemorate the Cannes that was interrupted in '68 by demonstrators because France was pretty lively that year, and we were also interested in the premiere of the movie version of Blindness by Jose Saramago, who really is a very engaging and engaged writer, and has after all won the Nobel prize for literature, which means more than a Palme d'Or in my book, but there wasn't much worthwhile news about '68 or Saramago, just a lot of chatter about how the latest Indiana Jones movie premiered at Cannes and would the critics like or not, and all the secrecy around it, and while the rats are probably more afraid of snakes than Indiana Jones is, they think that Cannes is the wrong place to premier what is essentially a B-movie, and I think that Saramago at 85 is far more worthy of veneration as a vintage treasure than Harrison Ford at 65.']

Polar Bears are Endangered and Papa Bear is a Danger

Polar bears are on the endangered species list because polar ice is melting, and humans are threatened by global warming, too, but right-wing pundits like Bill O'Reilly want us to believe there's no way of knowing what's causing climate change or how we can stop it! [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'At the salon I told my stylist Jenna that I wanted a different look, and while she was cutting my hair I mentioned that I have a hundred-gallon aquarium now because I keep rescuing fish, and she was a little put off by that, so I changed the subject and asked if she watches Stephen Colbert, and she said, "I think he’s adorable, but I don’t know why he hates bears so much," and I said, "I thought he was making fun of Bill O'Reilly -- Papa Bear," and she said, "Did you see that old clip of O'Reilly on YouTube screaming abuse at people?" and I said, "He's horrible, and he makes excuses for the war and global warming..." and she had to use the blow-drier for a while and then she said, "I heard that polar bears are going extinct because of global warming," and I said, "That's what Papa Bear should be screaming about," and then I said I liked my new cut, but now I'm not sure it's bold enough, and even the fish seem to think it's a little tame, and though they're not crazy about bears either, they regret the fact that the polar bears are drowning, because they know that rising sea levels are a way bigger threat to anybody without gills than bears are -- or for that matter the liberals Bill O’Reilly hates so much.']

Which is Worse, Golf or Aging Rock Stars?

When David Lee Roth and the Van Halens contributed generously to the Tiger Woods Foundation, I decided to jump at the chance to talk about the negative environmental impact of golf. [Click on the image to see a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'Leda was here because her father was at her place watching golf on TV, and she said, "Golf is the most outrageously boring thing in the world," and I said, "I read that David Lee Roth and the Van Halens gave a lot of money to Tiger Woods' Foundation, and I think aging rock stars are the most boring thing in the world," and Leda said, "Lewis Black should do a Root of All Evil show to decide between golf and aging rock stars," and I said, "I didn't say aging rock stars are more EVIL than golf," and Leda said, "But don't aging rock stars and golf both bore people to death, which is inherently evil?" and I said, "Golf courses use huge amounts of pesticides and pollute ground water and destroy wetlands, whereas aging rock stars just act embarrassing," and Leda said, "My dad loves Van Halen," and I said, "With or without David Lee Roth?" and she said, "This conversation is getting outrageously boring," and she went back to her place to tell her dad why golf sucks, and my rabbit, who likes his greens organic and secretly loves Van Halen, wanted to listen to “Jump,” so we went ahead and did.']

Tom Cruise Should Crusade Against Mountaintop Removal

Oprah went to Tom Cruise's mountaintop home to interview him, and she was awed by the beautiful views. But all mountaintops are awesome, and mountaintop removal is destroying them. [Click on image to see a larger version. The text reads: 'I just saw Oprah interview Tom Cruise at his mountaintop mansion, and she raved about the house and said the views were so beautiful she wanted to cry, and she ended up wishing him, "the peace that this mountain can bring," and I think the interview went well -- definitely better than three years ago when he was jumping on Oprah's couch, which is important for Cruise because people have disliked all his Scientology preaching, like when he criticized the way Brooke Shields dealt with her postpartum depression, but I think there's something else Cruise could consider preaching against since he loves living on a mountaintop so much, and that's mountaintop removal, which is when big coal companies go into the Appalachians and blast the whole tops off mountains and dump the rubble into the streams and valleys below, and my dog and I love hiking, and we hate to think of mountains becoming wastelands, so we think Cruise should crusade against mountaintop removal and then buy a mountaintop in West Virginia so that there would be at least one mountain the coal companies would probably not try to desecrate.']

How Green Are Billboard's Greenest Musicians?

I love the Roots, but I wonder how green some of Billboard's greenest musicians really are, especially the ones being honored for using biofuels. [Click on the image for a larger version of the cartoon. The text reads: "The day after Earth Day, Billboard named the ten greenest musicians, and I was excited that the Roots made the list because they speak out about nonviolence and vegetarianism, and I'm not a Radiohead fan, but I'm glad they were on the list too because it was pretty radical to make a downloadable-only album and they also pretty much refuse to travel, but a lot of the musicians on the list just do things like carbon offsetting and using biodiesel in their tour buses, which reminds me of that Live Earth concert last year when thousands of people traveled thousands of miles and made a negative environmental impact so they could tell people not to make a negative environmental impact, and while I understand the motive for Willie Nelson's biodiesel, there are food riots going on because we might not be able to use our crops to keep all these cars and trucks going, so we should probably try to be more like my gerbil because the only wheel he keeps rolling is the one he powers himself."]

Brigitte Bardot Could Learn a Lot from Cesar Chavez

Brigitte Bardot has again been fined for her anti-immigrant comments. She could learn a lot from Cesar Chavez, who helped immigrants and animals and everybody, really. [Click on the image for a larger version of the cartoon. The text reads: 'I told Tea I was going out of town to visit my rescued Premarin mare, and she said, "Premarin -- isn't that hormone pills?" and I said, "Made from pregnant mare's urine; my mare peed for a drug company for years and then she was slated to be dogfood," and Tea said, "I just saw Brigitte Bardot on the news and she must have stopped taking her hormone pills -- she looks really old and she's always going on about animals," and I said, "Wasn't she just fined for saying bad things about Muslim immigrants?" and Tea said, "She says she hates the way Muslims slaughter sheep on one of their holidays," and I said, "So the French were really kind to animals before Muslims came along? How about the way they force food down a goose's gullet until its liver turns to pate?" and Tea said, "A lot of people that are sentimental about animals are really right-wing -- I mean, Hitler was a vegetarian," and I said, "That's debatable, but Cesar Chavez was definitely a vegetarian, and he did lots of good things for immigrants," and Tea said, "He was probably just too poor to afford meat," and I said," There's no reason you can't be kind to animals and people, too," and to prove it, I left to go visit my mare before I told Tea I thought she was talking horseshit.']

Charlton Heston and Respect for Other Primates

Charlton Heston died recently, but instead of commenting on his NRA connections, I decided to remember his role in Planet of the Apes and recommend some respect for non-human primates. [Click on the image for a larger version of the cartoon. The text reads: 'My monkey Peanut and I went to Ceci's house to watch some old movies, and we heard that Charlton Heston was dead, and I said, "Well, we can finally pry the gun from his cold, dead hands," and Ceci laughed, and then she said, "But I did like some of his movies," and we started talking about Heston films, and Ceci seemed surprised when I said that Peanut hates the Planet of the Apes movies because they're so unrealistic, and she said, "What do you think about Soylent Green?" and I said, "It had global warming and food riots, so it was more believable than a movie about a place where the monkeys are in charge," and Ceci said, "Speaking of monkeys, I saw a program on TV that said they can grow up to be really aggressive -- remember when Paris Hilton's monkey bit her?" and I said, "Actually, it was a kinkajoo," and then I said Peanut and I had to go, but to be honest, I've been thinking the same thing lately, that Peanut isn't going to be too happy with me when he grows up, and he actually does like Planet of the Apes movies more than I would like to admit.']

Demi Moore's Leech Therapy and the Health Care Crisis

Demi Moore's leech therapy seems so medieval, but so does the lack of affordable health care in the United States! [Click on the image for a larger version of the cartoon. The text reads: 'I'm a big believer in alternative medicine, and I go for shiatsu and a chiropractic workover at least once a month, but when Demi Moore told Letterman about her leech therapy -- I mean she said they put leeches in her belly button (her term, not mine) to suck out the toxins -- I began to wonder what that meant about the zeitgeist, and I know leeches have medical uses, and they say Demi's trying lots of rejuvenating possibilities because she's a little desperate about being 15 years older than her husband, but it sounds so medieval, and yet with the way things are going in our healthcare system, it's probably only a matter of time before your only option is to go to the barber for a good bleed, because everything else is so expensive and insurance rates just keep going up, and a lot of other medieval things are coming back -- like torture -- so I decided to adopt a few leeches of my own because they say the recession is coming, and I can always use extra ways to supplement my income.']

Favorite Daytime TV Host

I like Ellen, but no matter what the polls say, I love Oprah for the puppy mill show that she dedicated to her dog. And Phil Donahue's movie, Body of War, is out now, too, which is what makes him our favorite talk show host. [Click on the image for a larger version of the cartoon. The text reads: 'Brie was here and she said, “According to some poll, Ellen DeGeneres is America’s favorite talk show host, and you know I love Ellen,” and I said, “I heard that, too, but I don’t think people like her more than Oprah,” and Brie said, “They said Larry King is least sexy,” and I said, “Duh!” and we talked about talk show hosts for a while, and finally I said, “Do you remember Phil Donahue?” and she said, “I think he was married to Marlo Thomas, and I ever so vaguely remember ‘That Girl,’” and I said, “They kicked Donahue off the air because he was controversial, but he just made a movie about a paralyzed Iraq veteran,’ and then I said, ‘I love Oprah, but Phil Donahue is my favorite talk show host now,’ and Brie said, ”Well, he’s not on any more, so he can’t be,’ and I said, “ We should start a campaign to bring him back,” but Brie said she was already multitasking and hardly had time to be here in the first place, which I found kind of insulting, and then I said, “Remember that dog Ellen gave away that she shouldn’t have? Well, Oprah dedicated a whole show to her dog,” and Brie left in a huff, and my dog and I watched Oprah on the laptop, so we could be multitasking too...']

McCartney-Mills Divorce Settlement

I applaud activism, and McCartney and Mills made a nice couple, but the rich are still different from you and me. [Click on the image for a larger version of the cartoon. The text reads: 'On St. Patrick’s Day I heard about the divorce settlement between Paul McCartney and Heather Mills, and Paul has always been my favorite Beatle and I loved his vegetarian lifestyle and the rabbit loved his opposition to bloodsports, and I admired her work against landmines, and I thought they made a fabulous couple, but the marriage didn’t last, and they said she was just a golddigger and he should have signed a prenup, so the whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth, and I guess Brangelina will have to be my favorite celebrity activist couple now, and it does occur to me that actually they’re just a bunch of spoiled rich people, but at least the taxpayers don’t have to bail them out of the consequences of their stupid decisions like we’ll probably have to do for Bear Stearns.']

Getting an Earworm from the Torture Playlist

When I found out about the torture playlist used in American military prisons, I couldn't get some of the songs -- or the horrible images -- out of my head. [Click on the image for a larger version of the cartoon. The text reads: 'I’ve been doing some yoga to try to clear my mind so I can get rid of a song that keeps going through my head because I now know it’s on a torture playlist that interrogators use to disorient prisoners and cause sleep deprivation and cover the noise of the screams, and I love music, but I just feel sick when I think about that because I know what it’s like when those two guys that live in the apartment downstairs blast heavy metal until 2:00 in the morning, and I have been known to call the police, and when you remember that they forced Noriega to surrender by blaring music at him, you know what a powerful force it can be, and lately the cat has been acting offended as if to say "the Meow Mix jingle?” because that’s one of the tunes they used, and to top it all off one of the bands, Deicide says they’re proud that “F**k Your God” was used at Guantanamo, but “Raspberry Beret” is on that playlist and it happens to be one of my favorite songs, and now I can’t get it out of my head, and I wonder what Prince would say...']

Weather Channel Founder Wants to Sue Al Gore?

Fashion Sense commented on the crazy news that the Weather Channel founder wants to sue Al Gore for fraud because he's been warning us about global warming. [Click on the image for a larger version of the cartoon. The text reads: 'I'm at the hairdresser's today because there was a micro-burst or something while I was walking to work, and no, my hair isn't quite supposed to look this way, it's in fact usually a lot more dramatic, but the weather does seem to be getting more extreme any way you look at it, and I was actually trying to use less energy by walking rather than driving to work, and though there are consequences, I won't stop trying, even if some people say that global warming is hype and exaggeration, and the guy who started the Weather Channel wants to sue Al Gore for getting people worried about it, and by the way, these aren't my fish so don't blame me for that awful bleak aquarium, but I’ve decided to offer to take them home even though I already have six cats because we do all have to help solve problems we didn’t create, and this is supposed to be a cruelty-free salon after all.']

The Academy Awards

And because Taxi to the Dark Side won for Best Documentary this year, Fashion Sense had to celebrate that! [Click on the image for a larger version of the cartoon. The text reads: 'The rats TiVo'd the Academy Awards because I had to work last night, and we've already seen it twice today, and we loved Tilda Swinton's dress no matter who compared it to a black plastic garbage bag, and we weren't surprised that Ratatouille won best animation because we already think pretty highly of rats, but we couldn't believe Taxi to the Dark Side won best documentary because it's been pretty hard to get anybody to talk about torture and extraordinary rendition, and when Alex Gibney said his wife had wanted him to make a romantic comedy but he couldn’t because of all the horrors going on in the world, I admired him a lot, but I also felt a little bit bad that Sicko didn’t win, too, and even though they said this Academy Awards show had the worst ratings ever, the rats and I are going to watch it again and then go rent some movies.']